Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Back Again

It's been a while.

I just watched the first episode of season two of World of Jenks. I didn't watch the first season, but I caught a commercial for the second season and was intrigued by two of the three stories: A young adult with autism, and another with cancer. Interestingly, I recently came across Kaylin's blog, and then found out she's the young woman featured on the show. 

I'm not sure what I want to say in this post. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, or why I haven't posted anything since October. Perhaps I feel an obligation to inspire, and I find that my life at present is so normal and typical of someone my age that there is nothing to say, at least nothing inspiring.

I am engaged. I am planning a wedding. I got a new job. I got an adorable dog. I am happy. I am normal. But I have moments when I think that maybe I'm not okay, that I have not dealt with all the residual effects of having cancer. I have these moments when I see other young adults fighting cancer, because it makes me feel something, and it reminds me of everything that happened and all the feelings I am not entirely sure I've dealt with completely, because I still feel this twisting, writhing tightness in my heart because I know what it feels like to be the only person in the room who's had cancer.

Then there's the other side of it. There are times I am in the company of people who don't know that I've got all these scars;they don't realize all the seasoned wisdom I've got in my back pocket; I have had more medical procedures than most people twice my age, I've known a lot of people who had a lot in common with me and they died. And there's no good way to bring that up. So I just keep letting these people think I'm typical, because there's no good way or reason to enlighten them as to why I know how a stem cell transplant works, or why hearing about an older friend with cancer who I've never met brings tears to my eyes.

I ran outside tonight. It's been a cold, windy, rainy few months, with not a lot of running, especially not outside. Tonight I thought a lot about all the things I just wrote about, and when I got home I had a notable running high that made me very glad I ran, and regretful that I haven't been doing much outdoor running in recent months. As things thaw out, I'm hopeful I will do more running, because tonight made me realize how much I've missed it.

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